1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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