plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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