Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think pants incapable of making pants work
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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