Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
