I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize