He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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