I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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