youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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