i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
