can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
