i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
