i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
