i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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