I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
