I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
