So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
