I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
