My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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