Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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