She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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