I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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