Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
