he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
