I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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