My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I AM VODKA MAN
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
