I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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