Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
