I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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