You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
