I will die if light touches me.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
