And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
