Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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