the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Drunk is not a location!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
