I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
