so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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