The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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