You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
