the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
