All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I can't put those talents on a resume
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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