I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
