blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
