is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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