So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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