do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
