I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
