Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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