she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
