Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
