The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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