everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
