im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
