I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
