I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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