I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
