My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
