You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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