I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
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We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
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WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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