if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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