we have officially lost it.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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