just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
