well I can't set my house on fire every night
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
